It's already April. I've started writing a post several times in March and in April, but I just wasn't able to put my thoughts into words. So this post shall be a duett.
I feel that there has been a lot of growth happening in my life recently. Things shifting inside and out, that needed my energy as it is without trying to verbalize what was happening. And maybe I wouldn't even call it growth. It is a softening, a remembering, a deepening. Because what I've started to realise is the exact thing that there is no place outside I can expand towards without also diving inwards.
Rooting and reaching together create growth. It's a message I wrote around two years ago while painting trees and roots, unable to ignore their similarity. It was expressed through me, but didn't really apply to my life at that point.
I can now see that I had been fighting. Fighting for my goals and against myself for quite a while. Why I describe it as fighting is because I approached things with a tunnel vision and a whole lot of forcing. There were some very specific goals and I could not and did not want to see anything else. Things that were not connected to that specific thing were not worthy of my time & energy and that's why I consciously chose to ignore them. I have learned that I am a very strong individual and I have a whole lot of resiliency. But I've also learned that this is a state I don't want to fall into anymore. Because it thickens my skin, makes me push my loved ones further and doesn't let me see myself as someone who is worthy of the good in life.
As I've learned to tune into my intuition these past few years, my path has taken different turns along the way. These are turns that have brought me so much more joy and fulfillment than my old ways. And all of it happened on the side. I was focusing on what feels good to me, what makes me shiver of excitement. And so I changed some major factors in my life without force, rather it was a flow fed by my desires and supported by a new kind of trust. Without forgetting that I was lucky enough to have friends beside me who were seeing what I needed before I even knew it myself (you know who you are❤️) and holding a mirror for me to realise what was already clear to those close to me.
Why I started this text with redirecting myself from the word growth, or maybe approaching it differently is the whole point I guess. I'd say I've been interested in the ways in which I can grow for a long time. Just the way I have understood growing has been more about becoming better, stronger, reaching goals etc. rather than expanding in many different ways, reaching towards more than one direction. The trees really are a simple yet so complex example when zooming in; there is no reaching without rooting.
In March my university studies were focusing on the history of dance. Our task was to create a solo where dance history is being explored. My solo was called Roots&Branches. I wanted to explore dance history through three generations in my family. The piece ended up being an ode to my grandmother, mother and myself. Three incredibly strong and soft and important women in my life. There is a lot I could write about that process, but I'll keep it short and try to stick to the theme of this text I'm writing right now. So for developing this process I was going back to the roots and learning about the past. My own past and my mother's and grandmother's past related to dancing, in order to get to know why I can stand (actually, dance) right here today. And not only to understand this moment here, but to remember where I want to be reaching in the future. Which directions are my branches heading towards.
After this solo study I said to a friend "I feel so full, in the best way possible" and no wonder. I was expanding by grounding and discovering something about my roots. I wasn't reaching for new goals, I was looking inwards. And it didn't stop there. I have been going back two years, five years, eleven years in my memories. What has brought me joy? What makes me feel alive? What and who brings out the best in me? These are questions I have kept asking myself recently. And that's why I have gone to the swimming hall. That's why I have taken myself to watch the sunset. That's why I have cooked my favorite meal. That's why I have danced my heart out to old Finnish music. You get the point.
It's been a time of remembering and deepening. And that has led into softening. I have so much inside me already that allows me to expand outwards, too. I trust in what my body and mind are telling me and act accordingly. I feel softer than ever. More like myself, day by day. I feel safe and loved in my own embrace and I'm able to share that space with those close to me, which feels magical. I'm able to give and receive because I see that I'm worth of what is given to me and safe enough to give to other people without a thought of losing something. I now believe I deserve to feel the pleasure in life, and so that's why and what I keep giving to myself.
There's a new light and warmth that I carry, and a desire and daring to keep softening. I was sensing this happening and then I received some heartwarming compliments that mirrored what I felt. They weren't about achievements or superficial matters. They were notes on warmth, light and presence. And this highlighted something important to me. Here is exactly where I'm supposed to be and these are the people I'm so grateful to share my days with.
This is a loveletter to March and April, me and you. Let's keep trusting and softening - everything we need, we already have with(in) us.
For the bliss of it!
❤️,
Inka